First time in 5 years that my adventure clothes fit again; I've lost 40+ pounds here. But does the boy in the pants have the same capability, the same quality of adventurer? (how much do I still care?)

Have I still got it? Or maybe what matters most is that I once had it. I've seen myself go there, I've known how powerful I can be. The trouble is getting through the down times, the small weak hours, to not get too badly discouraged when everything seems to be going wrong. I once had it. I've found inside me before the things I needed to survive, and I've found inside me a few times before what it means to really live inside my most maximum effort. To show up at a starting line after a year of work and not feel uncomfortable with what is about to happen. I've known times when everything went right, and so I believe that can happen again.

There's something I read a long time ago.
It went like this a little bit:

¨If you reach twenty and you're not yet tall, you're not going to ever be tall.
If you reach thirty and you're not yet strong, you're not going to ever be strong.
¨¨ ¨¨¨¨¨ forty and you're not yet rich, you're not going to ever be rich.
¨¨ ¨¨¨¨ ¨¨ fifty and you're not yet wise, you're not going to ever be wise.
If you reach sixty and you're not yet loved, you're not going to ever be loved.¨


This is both realistic and bleak. I guess in my four weeks before my Milan trip I feel less worried about the strength part, and more aggravated at how difficult the logistics have been. Because camp is a week earlier than anticipated,I may have to spend more money to get a return flight two days earlier, which means my trip might be automatically a third shorter, with the plane leaving to take me back to Morocco the day after the race, at ten in the morning.

It's possible, I'd have to get from Turin to Milan the same day as the race finishes, not very fun thing to do, and then camp out at the airport over night.
Do I care enough to go through that kind of mess?

The ultimate goal is the 2011 Ultra Trail de Mont Blanc. Do I care enough to sustain my energy for 14 months? Have I done this stuff so much that it ceases being fun?

When things run smoothly, I get there, have a good time regardless of whether I finish the race--whether I run strong the whole time or not-- and the enthusiasm that creates pushes me easily to the distant goals. But a bad experience before the race getting there can ruin the whole atmosphere.

So maybe with five years more experience, I am more appreciative of looking at everything that goes into the race experience. And, yeah, the race is just an excuse to get out into the world, to push myself to new places (inner and outer) and meet great new people while I'm there. I've never thought of spending time in the Alps until now; now it's all I can think about, how the air will taste, the dizzying heights and the line of people pushing themselves to overcome these enormous crests and descents. I'll be able to have 5 days now where I'm immersed in Italian culture, using the words I've worked hard this year to acquire.

DO I care enough to go for a run during the day, even though the nights are so hot that my hair drenches the pillow in sweat, and I wake up with heat rash in the joints of my arms and legs?

So far, so good... we will see.